Back when we were all kids, there was something disgusting and at once intriguing about coffee. That thick, black drink that our parents were so very reliant on seemed like something of a mystery to us back then. Still, as we grew up, we got our first taste of the stuff. It likely made you gag at the time, but for some reason you went back for more and more. Soon enough, it became more than a mere fancy, it became an actual lifestyle.
If you can’t get through the day without a cup of the deliciously rich stuff, you’re a bona fide coffee addict. Hey, don’t worry about it, my friend. You’re not alone. Myself and thousands of others are right here beside you sipping away at our espressos and judging the non-coffee-drinking world. Here are some things we all know to be true.
No one can tell you it’s ‘too late’ for coffee
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There are certain people out there (don’t worry, I won’t name names) who seem to think that you can only have coffee during the day. The fact that they believe in this utter fallacy is not too irritating in itself, but they take things one step further. These just so happen to be the type of people who will try to push their straightlaced nonsense onto you full throttle.
When they see you pouring yourself a cup of strong coffee at 6pm, they will freak out, telling you that you won’t sleep. Short of knocking the cup right out your hand, they will do everything they can to try to stop you in your caffeinated tracks. It’s not right and it’s not fair. Coffee is not just a mere morning pick-me-up, it’s a drink for anytime of day or night!
Absolutely nothing gets done without it
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As though dealing with the aforementioned know-it-alls is not bad enough, there are other people with whom you have to contend. You know what I’m talking about. There are some people out there who actually expect you to get things done before you have had your first sip of the day. Needless to say, these are the type of critics that you don’t need in your life. Get rid of them.
It doesn’t matter if they happen to be your boss or manager – if they can’t understand simple biology, there’s no way that you’re going to pay attention to them. They should really know that the human body just can’t function before it’s had a little coffee in it. That is common knowledge, right? I mean, did these people not attend high school or something?
Instant coffee is basically just gravy granules
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Finally, I am able to speak about the horrifying reality of instant coffee. Let’s say that I’m at someone’s house enjoying a good old chit-chat. They, being a polite host, ask me if I’d like a drink at all. I, being an actual addict, say that I am dying for a coffee. Then it happens; the thing that changes our friendship forever. They reach into the cupboard and pull out not some fresh coffee beans, but a jar of instant granules. To cut a long story short, I never visit them at home again and try to avoid them in the streets wherever possible.
Can we all just be honest with ourselves and admit that instant coffee tastes like weak gravy? Once we admit that fundamental truth, I think our lives will be much better, truer, and happier.
The caffeine jitters are real… and worrying
You know you've had too much coffee, when your hands start to shake uncontrollably 😁😂☕️ #coffeeproblems
— ♡Papa's Ghoulette♡ (@oliviarigby2210) October 3, 2016
If you’re a true coffee addict, there is one thing that you never want to mention to anyone in the world. It will only give the coffee haters a reason to jump up on their high horses and start ranting. Still, when you’re alone in the house, you’re at least brave enough to admit it to yourself. Sometimes, when you’ve had one too many Americanos in the day, you start to jitter and shake just a little.
The fact of the matter is that we all know that coffee increases our blood pressure. No, that’s not an ideal side effect of drinking the stuff, but we deal because we are adults! When coffee tastes so good and makes you feel so very chirpy, how can it possibly be wrong? It can’t, and I won’t have anybody tell me otherwise.
When the coffee runs out so does your patience
Morning my Freaky Darlings! #coffeeaddict pic.twitter.com/sr5OE8ETKn
— Joan De La Haye (@JoanDeLaHaye) October 13, 2016
What’s your worst nightmare? What’s the one thing that you simply can’t bear to imagine? Waking up and realizing that there’s no coffee in the house is pretty high up on my list. Without having my morning fix, I am basically not the same person you see on a daily basis. It’s coffee that gets me through the morning, afternoon, and evening. It’s my sole companion in this awfully trying world and without it, I can’t cope.
When the coffee runs out, few of us addicts cope all that well. While we may tell people that we don’t absolutely need the stuff, that’s a lie. On a day to day basis, the only thing that helps us along the way is a massive dose of caffeine. So, if you use the last of it, make sure you top it up.
PSLs are pretty much BS
How did Starbucks know we're on our way to @pslsquash 🤔✈️#pumpkinspicedlatte @PaulColl199 pic.twitter.com/pD1BBrFwog
— Nele Gilis (@NeleGilis) October 18, 2016
Some people just seem to have no idea what real coffee is. There are fools out there who believe that pumpkin spiced lattes and frappuccinos are the same as a real strong cup of Joe. Um, no! If you want to drink a bucket full of sugar washed down with a whole load of milk, feel free, but don’t have the audacity to go ahead and call it a cup of coffee. That’s just not right and you know it.
While Starbucks may seem the obvious choice for coffee lovers, you have to realize one thing… They cater to just about everyone. That means that they make some drinks that barely even resemble coffee at all. Instead, they are comprised mainly of foam and flavoring. People who actually like the flavor of coffee would not go near the stuff.
There’s absolutely no point wearing light clothes
Things I don't get, No. 7: why I bother wearing white since I drink coffee. #coffeeproblems
— Shawn Bowers Buxton (@ShawnBowWow) October 18, 2016
If you’re a coffee lover and a clumsy person, you might as well throw out any light colored clothes in your closet. Putting on a fresh white shirt in the morning is just asking for trouble. You know that it won’t be long before that lovely clean material has some dark brown stains on it – and it won’t look pretty.
I know that I’ve ruined many a top this way. You might think that you’re going to be extra careful this time. You may naively believe that you can control where the coffee goes. You’re lying to yourself and you know it. The minute you wrap your fingers around that coffee cup, it’s game over for the state of your clothes. You might as well wear black. That way, no one will ever know that you’re such a mucky pup.
Trying to wake up sin-coffee is impossible
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Seriously, have you ever tried to wake up without coffee? It’s not something that us addicts can do all that well. I know there have been some rare occasions when I couldn’t get any caffeine and I ended up practically falling asleep at my desk. There is nothing more awkward than that, especially when you’re in an office full of people.
Once you’re in the routine of drinking more coffee than any human being should, you will see that it takes its toll on you. Before long, you will find that you are almost completely reliant on the stuff, which can be kind of awkward at times. Needless to say that without the stuff, you are an absolute mess of a person. You can barely keep your eyes open, let alone do anything of any use.
You find tea drinkers a little weird
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In the world, there are two main hot drinks that people enjoy on a daily basis; tea and coffee. If you love the latter, you will struggle to understand how the other side of society live. How on earth do they get through the day while drinking the weakest of the weak that is tea? It just doesn’t seem to make any sense to you. Coffee is by far the superior drink, which is why it’s so very odd that people would actively choose something else.
While we may not say it all that often, us coffee drinkers have a real problem with tea drinkers. When someone orders a cup of tea at a cafe, we judge them. Sure, we’re polite, and we do it silently, but the judgement is there nonetheless. And it will never go away.
But not as weird as decaf drinkers
it's 8am and you ordered a decaf coffee?
…disgusted. betrayed. disappointed.
— andrew (@DrewAthan) October 17, 2016
As if wimpy tea drinkers were not bad enough, there are these other people out there. I don’t even want to talk about them. They don’t deserve our time, and yet this has to be said. Anyone who drinks decaf coffee is a foe, not a friend. That’s a rule right there that you can take home with you and live by for the rest of your life. If you see someone ordering this at a cafe, you need to get as far away from them as possible. There is something very wrong in their head.
Coffee without the caffeine is like beer without the alcohol or Netflix without the chill. It’s just wrong on so many levels. Why would you take something of beauty and rob it of what makes it pure? Decaf drinkers are another level of sick.
There’s no price too high for your next fix
Had a sinus headache for 2 days but can't stop drinking coffee! I'm sure it's not helping things. #coffeeproblems ☕️ pic.twitter.com/RS9fn7ifuw
— Wanderlust & Bee (@WanderlustnBee) June 9, 2016
Coffee lovers have a kind of destructive relationship with the drink. On the one hand, it’s our very life source. It makes us happy on numerous levels and gives us the power to get through even the most stressful of days. Those benefits come at a price, though, and we all know that too well. I’m not talking about the financial cost of coffee – we can deal with that. I’m talking about the headaches.
There are times when coffee drinkers will put themselves through the worst possible head pain just so that they can have their fix. It might not sound all that healthy. In fact, it definitely is not healthy in the slightest, but that does not mean that it’s wrong. On some weird level, that pain is worth the copious amounts of coffee we all drink.
It kills you when people say ‘expresso’
When someone calls eSpresso, eXpresso pic.twitter.com/zZmqziaost
— Maddie Hurley (@maddiehurley818) October 19, 2016
Nothing makes you want to scream “Learn English, you idiot!” more than this. There are some people out there who genuinely believe that an espresso is called an ‘expresso.’ I don’t know where they picked up this word, but there are hundreds of people who just say it wrong every single time. If you’re ordering a shot of coffee, you should at least have the decency to learn what it’s called. Has no one ever pulled you up on this one? If not, why the hell not?
The world would be a much better place if we all just took the time to learn how to say and spell this word correctly. Honestly, it takes two minutes to learn and memorise for life. Once you know it, there’s no mistaking it for another word anymore.
The midday slump is all too real
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One of the major downsides to drinking coffee is the feeling when it starts to wear off in the middle of the day. Sure, at the start of the morning, that first cup helps give you the energy to do your job and occasionally muster the energy to talk to people, but it does not last. Unless you have a top-up as soon as possible, you are about to hit the worst thing ever; the midday slump.
All coffee drinkers know that this is a real thing. It might be annoying to have to face it on a day to day basis, but luckily there is a cure. You guessed it. The best way to deal with said slump is to drink more and more and more coffee. After all, there’s nothing like more caffeine to get you through the day.
Sometimes, coffee can ruin everything
I think I'm ready for a long weekend… #coffeefail pic.twitter.com/hOrQFXUUzq
— Rachelle Teresa (@ChelleTravel) July 29, 2016
Having jitters and a hot drink in your vicinity at all times can be a dangerous combination. There have been rare times when coffee has not been the best friend we expect it to be. It’s sad to say it, but there have actually been times when coffee has turned into our worst enemy for no apparent reason. While you want to chat to the drink and ask it what its deal is, you know it will do no good.
When you end up spilling coffee everywhere (which, for most of us, is a weekly occurrence) there’s just one thing for it. You have to get a cloth and get mopping that stuff up. Try to resist the urge to squeeze the cloth into your mouth once you’re done. While you’re annoyed in the moment, you know you could never stay mad at coffee. It’s just too good to you.
Real coffee is hard to make at home
#butfirstcoffee NOPE. #coffeefail #aeropress lid was not quite screwed in enough. What a m… https://t.co/Ahd88KM1GA pic.twitter.com/1bakqK80YE
— Maria Brannon (@LFCreativeheart) May 24, 2016
Finally, let’s discuss the one thing that all coffee drinkers know to be true. Making real coffee at home is an art form. You don’t just wake up one day and know how to do it. Oh no, this kind of mastery takes years of practicing and it’s hard at the best of times. Unless you have one of those fancy pants machines that takes pods, you will know that the struggle is real when it comes to making coffee.
Still, you would rather fail a few times and make a mess than have to deal with drinking that instant rubbish. It’s a game of trial and error, which means that you just have to keep on going until you get it right. After all, sipping that drink of pure perfection is worth all kinds of strife.
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