If you can’t cook, like seriously can’t even boil an egg, no one can sympathize with you more than another non-cook or a handful of clever memes. Cooking is a skill, no doubt. It’s a learned skill and for many of you out there, those skills, unfortunately, did not get learned. Perhaps Home Ec wasn’t offered as part of the middle school curriculum or mom and dad just didn’t let you near the stove for safety reasons or reasons of life and death. Whatever the reason, here you are all grown-up, in this adult world without a single cooking technique under your belt, yet with a belly that’s hungry all of the time. It’s tough out here for non-cooks. But let’s try to make light of the situation with these 15 memes you’ll relate to, because what else can you do when you’re an adult who can’t cook?
Boiling water issues
via: quickmeme.com
It’s no joke when you’re not even sure how water is boiled. Boiling water is Cooking 101. You’re not even sure which number to put the burner on so that the water boils. You don’t even know at which temperature water boils. Lawd almighty, you are in serious need of help. Boiling water gives us things like pasta and eggs and soups and potatoes and ravioli. These are staples of life, especially if you’re living that single life. If you can’t get a pot of water to boil, you’d better just accept defeat today and be prepared to either buy all of meals from the frozen food aisle or find a partner who can cook.
Non-stick pan challenge
via: i.imgflip.com
No matter what type of pan you use, things just stick, period. You do the whole slather it with butter thing, you try all the oils, but regardless, the results are the same–things stick to the pan like it’s their job to stick to the pan. And you’re doing this all in a non-stick pan? Do you even know what that means? That scientists and engineers have designed the pan so that it will not stick, yet you’ve somehow beaten science. Way to go. Add that to your list of accomplishments. The secret is in the temperature of the pan, if you let it pre-heat (heat for a while so that it gets hot before you throw stuff in it), and how much butter/oil you use. Those are just some basics. You’re welcome.
Microwave science
via: img.memecdn.com
You’ve decided to start with baby steps and the microwave seems like a safe enough place. The stove and oven are so confusing with the knobs and dials and whatnot. So microwave cooking can’t be so hard, right? Wrong. Did you know there are cookbooks, actual cookbooks, written about microwave cooking? And that all those buttons actually mean something. While microwaves are much more user-friendly than a stove or oven, you should understand the basics of heat first. You should know that somethings never go in a microwave (eh hem, metals of any kind). You should also know that some items, if heated long enough, will melt (think anything plastic). Be warned.
Adults that don’t cook
via: notsuperhuman.com/
It can seem bizarre that grown adults are walking around this planet without a clue about how to cook, but I can promise you it’s all real, it’s all very real. For some cultures, cooking is an integral part of everyday life, it’s part of family life, it’s part of survival. Without the knowledge of food preparation and cook time, people starve. But luckily for you, dear modern human of the millennium, you have fast food and pre-made meals and restaurants. Travel a bit outside your comfort zone and realize that not cooking, for millions of cultures outside of your own, is just not an acceptable way to be. Shall we go over boiling water again?
Clueless about cooking
via: img.buzzfeed.com
If the stove and microwave got you all confused, don’t even with the oven. That’s a whole other science. No, for real, baking is a science. Not only is it about using the right ingredients and mixing them together to have a desired result, but it’s also applying the right heat to those ingredients to have a successful end result. Baking is not for the faint of heart. It takes years to master baking, but you saw something on Pinterest and was like, “Yep, I go this, no problemo.” No, no you can’t do it and no you didn’t. And before you tried, you should have consulted someone who knows a thing or two about baking in order to avoid disasters like this. Don’t move to more advanced levels if you haven’t even read the manual yet.
Re-purposed stove/oven set
via: theodysseyonline.com
So yeah, if your cat uses your stovetop as her go-to lounge spot, you know you either 1) don’t cook ever, like ever ever, never ever or 2) don’t have the stove hooked up yet. Don’t play. You know the answer is number one. Even she knows that the stovetop never ever gets used; maybe, just maybe you use the oven, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, you cook so infrequently that even your cat knows there’s no risk of sprawling herself out on the burner. Your cat is like, “Dude, you never use this thing, I claim it as my nap pad.”
The cereal deal
via: jokideo.com
Just stop, please. If you act like making cereal is cooking, you clearly do not understand the concept of cooking and you failed chemistry. In order to cook, for real cook, you must apply some method of heat. In your case, it’s probably the microwave, but there are other forms of heat like the stovetop, the oven, a grill, or an open fire.
In your case, your non-cooking case, you should probably steer clear of all sources of heat that I’ve just mentioned. If you claim to cook by making cereal, I’m wondering this, do you heat the cereal, the milk, or both? If you heat none of the above, it’s not called cooking. It’s called lazy, college, survival-mode.
Cooking via Google
via: i.imgur.com
It never ceases to amaze me the people who comment on posts or pictures. Who’s that? What’s that? First of all, try Google. On Google, there is a mighty array of information via the internet. There are recipes for non-cooks, beginner cooks, or even lazy cooks. Get creative, type in some keywords, and see what you find. But I can promise you that there are recipes out there for all types of non-cooks, you just have to want to learn to be a non-cook. And by ignoring Google and her infinite glory, you are saying that you just can’t be bothered.
Cooking is complicated
via: ci.memecdn.com/271/7486271.gif
Without a basic understanding of boiling water or temperatures in general, you are a lost cause, my friend. Boiling water is the very first thing you learn about when you learn about cooking. It’s not complicated; it’s definitely not rocket science or chemistry. It is, however, the basics of living and understanding the world in which we live in. Boiling water was not only used in the kitchen, but in medicine as well–it is a part of the human experience. I mean, come on, even early man knew how to manipulate fire. And I’m sure they boiled water for something back then, like pinecone tea or grass soup. What’s your excuse?
Baking rules
via: justsomething.co
You love Pinterest, we get it. You have all your boards categorized and organized and you even have one for baking. Perhaps, you’ve set your bar too high, especially for someone who calls cooking making cereal and doesn’t know how to boil water. Baking is so much more complicated and now you’ve entered the world of Pinterest baking. Have you lost your mind? There are certain properties that apply to baking, like dough that almost doubles in size. Just that basic principle can have you all messed up if you weren’t aware of it before. But just go ahead and erase all those Pinterest baking pictures, and you’ve stepped in way over your head, and the batter is gonna swallow you whole.
It’s getting hot in here
via: veryfunnypics.eu/fun/cooking/
If you do not know how to cook or are in the very early stages of something that looks like cooking, you should have a fully functional smoke alarm installed in your home. Cooking starts fires, period. And if you’re working with gas and not electric, you are putting yourself, dear non-cook, at great risk. Somehow, you’re making a boiling pot of water smoke, somehow you burn soup, and don’t even get me started on what you do with the oven. You would probably be engulfed in flames and choking on smoke fumes had it not been for your smoke alarm. Keep that bad boy in tip-top shape; at least, until you’ve gotten down all the basics.
Pan art
via: dailymail.co.uk
This person was probably going for a grilled cheese, French toast, or egg in a basket, but whatever it was supposed to be, you did not achieve it. Cooking in the pan is an art in and of itself. While chefs and home cooks make it look so easy, there is skill and finesse involved that far supersede your abilities, grasshopper. It’s best you leave any type of pan cooking to the experts until you’ve mastered making toast in the toaster, boiling water, and mise en place.
You are not a kitchen helper
via underachievingdomesticgoddess.blogspot.fr
If you doubt your abilities to know what anything is or how to do anything in the kitchen, if you think you might be getting in the way, and if you think you’re hurting more than helping–chances are, you probably are. I don’t make the rules here. If you know you have no business being up in the kitchen with the big dogs, with the schooled mamas and aunties, you’d better step down right now. No one needs to watch or tell you how do boil water or how much salt to add to the soup. Offer to set the table to wash the dishes or something, but if you know you can’t cook, don’t even try to offer helping with the dumplings, the stew, or even the salad. Go sit your behind down, now.
Easy peasy
Via: onsizzle.com
Cooking does not discriminate. Men, women, short, tall—everyone varies in their cooking abilities. One person may be able to slice and dice like the culinary pro they are, while other people (like Homer Simpson), manage to set fire to something as simple as a bowl of corn flakes. You may watch shows on the Food Network or the popular show, Masterchef, in the hopes of learning a thing or two. So you put on the chef’s hat you ordered from Amazon, specifically for the occasion, get a recipe up from Pinterest, and get to work.
A few sliced fingers and burnt hair later, and voilà! You’ve made yourself a restaurant-worthy dish. Or so you think, until your significant other comes home and without even thinking, kisses you on the cheek and says thanks for picking up chicken nuggets. You’ve got too much steam coming out your ears to even correct him that it’s actually, a breaded chicken piccata. Ugh.
Brewing up something
via: upandhumming.com
First of all, breathe. You cannot talk yourself out of the recipe yet. Don’t panic. You understand all the words, now you just have to apply them. Remember, the interwebs are also here to guide you should you suddenly forget what cut, chop, slice, or dice mean. The recipe is for making food, it’s not for making anything out of this world or extraordinary–just plain, good old, home-cooked food. You will not summon demons. The worst thing that could happen is that you burn something and in that case, just start again. The beauty of cooking, like all things, is that practice makes perfect.
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